Obama + Gilbert & Sullivan

Via Rochester Turning:

Best email I've got from Amazon yet

Amazon sends me lots of emails that recommend various books based on other books I've bought or rated on Amazon. Here is the best one so far:

Dear Amazon.com Customer,

We've noticed that customers who have purchased or rated "Masters of War: Military Dissent and Politics in the Vietnam Era" by Robert Buzzanco have also purchased "Snuggly Bunny (Little Scholastic)" by Jill Ackerman. For this reason, you might like to know that "Snuggly Bunny (Little Scholastic)" will be released on February 1, 2009. You can pre-order yours by following the link below.

By popular demand:

More pictures and a video of our cat, Oomi.


Oomi's tail wags like a dog's.

From Oomi

And she enjoys her fort.

From Oomi

Lady de Rothchild calls Obama "elitist"

This morning while I was eating lunch, these two things appeared right next to each other in my Google Reader, and make about the same amount of sense:

First:

Matt, examining Lady de Rothchilds defection to McCain, notes that irony must be truly dead. "Lady" de Rothchilds main reason for not endorsing McCain? Obama is an elitist. More accurately elitism is dead. When a gazillionaire who insists on being IDed as "Lady" can call a black dude from the South Side, whose mother had him as a teenager an elitist, the word has no meaning.

Second:

Important news you may have missed

A friend of mine is a fancy-pants strategic planning analyst for an eeeeeeeeevil multinational energy corporation. One of her jobs is the daily newsfeed. Here is some important news you may have missed from about a week ago:

Asia Pacific
Russia-AP: Sakhalin II Captured by Pirates
In a second attack in two months, pirates have launched an offensive against Russian major Gazprom, this time taking over the whole of the 1.28 Bcf/d Sakhalin II LNG plant on Sakhalin Island in eastern Siberia. Pirates the world over have declared an international holiday, while simultaneously denying any involvement in the act. "I don't know where Russia is," insisted Lucy "Riptide" Walker of Evil Multinational Energy Company Inc., adding "anyway you can't make grog out of vodka."
Gazprom CEO, ex-President of Russia and philanthropist Vladimir Putin, expressed his concern over the hostile take-over, saying, "In order to secure our contractual obligations and pursue our proud history of on-time deliveries of Russian gas, Gazprom has temporarily annexed a small suburb of Moscow called 'Ukraine,' and we will continue to pursue our standard of excellence." He added that the UK's naval forces have vowed to aid the Russian military fleet in engaging the pirates, "just as soon as they stop laughing and can stand up again."

Japan, Indonesia: Asian Spot Prices Increase… Differently
Startling changes in Asian LNG spot-prices reflect a dramatic revolution in an increasingly costly industry. According to Tokyo-based market analysts, TEPCO has recently inked a 5-year agreement with Pertamina that will see the Japanese firm paying twenty-seven dollars, 400 gallons of reduced-sodium soy sauce, and the first-born children of all contractors involved with any of the company's twenty-three power-plants in the country per MMBtu. "We have reached a new age in the balance of LNG supply and demand," said an official for TEPCO. "Spot prices are only going to get weirder."

Atlantic Basin
Russia-AB: DeathStar Nearing Completion – Gazprom Official
Gazprom greenfield project Death Star is approximately 80% complete, according to Gazprom Deputy CEO Alexander "Darth" Ananenkov. The $8.32 billion project, currently orbiting the forest moon of Endor, is expected fully operational in Q2 2009. Emperor Medvedev himself is personally overseeing the final stages of construction, though he is quick to point out, "Behold the power of this fully armed and operational battle-station." Regulators and advocates for alternative energies have expressed some skepticism over the ambitious nature of the project, however. "That's no moon," said Obi Wan MacGregor, spokesman for The Friends Of Renewable and Continuous Energies (The FORCE) on the sidelines of a conference in Tunisia this week. Opponents to the project are urging Endor elected officials to reject the current planned site of the project for fear of a terrorist attack on the part of Jabba the Hutt, and are pushing for a relocation to Long Island, NY.

US-AB: Catalunya Spirit Sees Change in Use
After several weeks adrift off the shore of Massachusetts, the Catalunya Sprit's crew has given up on the 138,000 cbm LNG tanker's ever arriving at the 0.7 Bcf/d Everett terminal near Boston and have settled on an alternative use for the vessel. "With a name like Catalunya Spirit, it seemed to us that while this vessel was made for the energy industry, shipping was never really her calling," said Captain Nathaniel Ahab. The Teekay-owned vessel has been refashioned as an offshore 70's-themed discothèque where "officials from rival energy companies can relax, have some fun, and talk about Ludacris's latest hit single rather than spot-prices in Asia," Captain Ahab explained. Already one-time bitter competitors are appearing in droves onboard the Funkadelic Seventies Rock Unit (FSRU). "This is a brilliant innovation in our industry," said ExxonMobil CEO Rex Tillerson speaking from a mosh pit, one arm around the shoulders of ex-arch nemesis, Jeroen van der Veer. "It's amazing we didn't think of this sooner."

04/01/2008

Loltraders

After witnessing the recent marriage proposal and acceptance on I Can Has Cheezburger, I realized that lolcats can NEVER be taken too far. I was also inspired by Abu Muqawama's lolhamas pictures (more here). With no further ado, I give you the result of collaboration between Flanders and I, loltraders!

Chris Matthews & Hillary Clinton

That liberal media.

National Ethnic Joke Week

No, not in America, but apparently in Niger, ethnic jokes are a way to keep the tension down during a time of potential civil war. From AFP:

In Niger, a centuries-old custom that allows people to make jokes at the expense of their "cousins" from other tribes, far from exacerbating ethnic tensions, actually has a calming effect on them.
...
Under the accepted "rules", the person targeted has to put a brave face on things and anyone who loses his temper or gets upset when "attacked" becomes a laughing stock within his own community, Ali Bida said.
But in a time of heightened tension caused by a Tuareg rebellion in the north, some people in Niger find the practice increasingly difficult.
Sidi, a Tuareg living in Niamey says he is sick and tired of hearing his Djerma "cousins" call him a "bandit" and tease him about planting anti-personnel mines.
...
In April, Niger authorities even plan to organise a "National Week of Ethnic Jokes" with radio programmes, conferences, joke competitions and cultural evenings.

Being of Scandinavian heritage, we have jokes where we make fun of ourselves, playing off the stereotype of cheap, hardworking, dumb and romantically inept Norwegians/Swedes. They make the occasional appearance on Prairie Home Companion. Here are a couple:

Vun day, Sven vas valking down da street ven who did he see driving a brand new Chevrolet? It vas Ole. Ole pulled up to him vit a vide smile.
"Ole, vere did ya get dat car?" Sven asked.
"Lena gave it to me".
"She gave it to you? I knew she vas sveet on you, but dis?".
"Vell, let me tell you vat happened. Ve vere driving out on county road 6, in da middle of novere. Lena pulled off da road into da woods. She parked, got out of da car, trew off alla her clothes and said, "Ole take vatever you vant."...So I took da car"
"Ole, your a smart man, dem clothes never voulda fit ya."

Sven was just pulling his boat up on shore when Ole wandered up with a puzzlement:
Ole: Sven! Vat cho been doin?
Sven: I bin fishin, Ole. Wha cho tink I bin doin with dese here rods?
Ole: Ditcha catch anythin?
Sven: (Under his breath: "Dumb svede.") Of course I catch somethin. Sven alvays catches ven he fishes.
Ole: If I guess how many you catch will you gimme one o' dem?
Sven: If you guesses how many I catch I'll give you BOTH a dem!
Ole: I guess TREE!
Sven: Dat ain't bad for a Svede. You only missed it by TWO!

Investigating Terrorism

Joke:


Reporters Expose Airport Security Lapses By Blowing Up Plane

Not a joke:

As a terrorism analyst, I am both appalled and confused by many of the post-9/11 articles published at home and abroad, in newspapers, news magazines and academic journals, as well as on the Internet.

Many of these articles have clearly identified for terrorist groups the country's vulnerabilities -- including our food supply, electrical grids, chemical plants, trucking industry, ports, borders, airports, special events and cruise ships. Some of these articles have been lengthy and have provided tactical details useful to terrorist groups. No terrorist group that I am aware of has the time and manpower to conduct this type of extensive research on a multitude of potential targets. Our news media, and certain think tankers and academicians, have done and continue to do the target vulnerability research for them.

Pluchinsky (a professor in my program) can only even bring this up as an issue because of the assumption that the operational tempo of terrorist groups is much faster than that of the US government. i.e., that a terrorist group would be able to exploit information published in a NYTimes scoop faster than the government would be able to fix the problem. Yet the only solution ever put forward is to restrict the press....

Peace negotiations

In honor of the recent Annapolis peace conference (which was a real pain in the butt as helicopter landings forced the cancelation of my daily soccer game):



From I Can Haz Cheezburger.

Revolution staying loose

Have fun deciphering Stevie Nicol's Scottish accent.

Colbert, Edwards spar in South Carolina

Stephen Colbert, candidate for President, campaigned in South Carolina today, declaring "I love South Carolina almost as much as South Carolina loves me." However, he has 'clashed' with actual candidate for President John Edwards, who's campaign released the following statement:

"What is more troubling than his quest for a status his own mother won't grant him (favorite son) are his ties to the salty food industry," Wells said. "As the candidate of Doritos, his hands are stained by corporate corruption and nacho cheese. John Edwards has never taken a dime from taco chip lobbyists and America deserves a President who isn't in the pocket of the snack food special interests."

There was no immediate reply from the Colbert campaign (possibly because it does not exist).

Also, see Colbert's appearance on Meet the Press.

Funny videos

Previous to seeing the "Nigeria is very complex" video from the Onion News Network, I had no idea the Onion News Network even existed. Here are a couple more excellent videos, about two minutes each. The first is "Al Qaeda Also Fed Up With Ground Zero Construction Delays" and the second is "Country Music Stars Challenge Al-Qaeda With Patriotic New Song ‘Bomb New York.’"


Al Qaeda Also Fed Up With Ground Zero Construction Delays



Country Music Stars Challenge Al-Qaeda With Patriotic New Song �Bomb New York�

Soccer comedy

Two soccer videos. The first, the Daily Show's treatment of Iraq's recent Asia Cup victory.



The second, equally comical, is LA Galaxy versus FC Dallas in the Superliga (combined MLS/Mexico North American championship):

Propaganda - video mashups

Then.....




And now:

The University of Al Qaeda

When I checked Facebook this afternoon, I found an absolutely hilarious post written by my friend and fellow SSP student, Ge Yu. Ge is the first Chinese student in SSP - the first out of 1.3 billion!

Without further ado, here is Ge's essay (reproduced with author's consent).

Imagine the Alternative II - Modern Terrorist Training

Now, we know Al Qaeda is very keen on utilizing modern technologies, such as the Internet and Google Earth for training, recruitment and propaganda.

I haven't been to an Afghan Training Camp, but what if life in the camps is just like life in our modern universities.

For example, when you apply for the University of Al Qaeda, do you need to write a Personal Statement and a Resume? :

"Dear Recruitment Sheik: I am solemnly writing to you to apply for the MS Suicide Bombing Program at the UAQ. Being a Suicide Bomber has long been my aspiration. My old sheik used to say, 'ask not what your mosque can do for you, but what you can do for your mosque.' Ever since my father brought those dynamite home from work when I was 5, I have known that this is a career that I would tie my life to. I have many years of experience in terrorism-related activities. Below is a copy of my resume. Thank you for your consideration and may Allah be with you.

1995-1996: Administrative Intern in the Fundamentalist Mosque of Baghdad; 1996-2000: BA on History of Islamic Suffering, the Mohamed School of (Anti)Humanity and Arts, University of Tehran; 2000-2003: Club Manager, the Travel Agency of Bali, Western Tourist Division; 2003-2005: Traffic Supervisor, London Transport Authority; 2005-2007: Research Assistant, Institute of Radiology, National Health Services, UK"

Once they get in, do they have to worry about financial aid and housing? Here may be a conversation between a trainee and a personal adviser:

T: "You see, sir, ever since the US dismantled the Republican Guards, my father has lost his pension. My mother worked as a train driver in Spain but she has just been put on the terrorist watch list and all her assets have been frozen. If there is any grant left in the Bin Laden Foundation Scholarship, I think I should get it."

PA: "I sympathize with your situation, young man. However, as you must know, the Bin Laden Scholarship is highly competitive and all granting decisions are made by a Committee of Jihad Veterans selected by Mr. Bin Laden himself all the way from his personal cave in Afghanistan. Yet, I think I may be able to offer a Federal Funded Work-Study position in our Improvised Explosive Factory. But, remember, this offer is conditional on maintaining a satisfactory academic performance. After all, you are here to be a bomber, not a bomb-maker."

T: "That is great, chemistry used to be my favorite subject in high school. Now, how about housing? Real Estate inside of the Green Zone is too expensive, but if I live outside, I am not sure I can cope with the commute. I can never remember which bus is marked for carrying roadside bombs..."

Once the course started, do they have happy hours and social events?

Student A: "you can't believe how busy I am this week. Apart from a 15 page paper on the Proper Use of Rocket Propelled Grenades, I have to proofread the research proposal by Professor Afshin on Western Infidelism and the Bush Doctrine. And, Friday, I have to fly to Uzbekistan for a conference on the 21st Century Muslin Nationalism in Central Asia. I am just going there for the free food actually... they serve some of the most exquisite Kebabs among all Al Qaeda cells in the East hemisphere."

Student B: "well, are you free over the weekend? I am going to the African Fundamentalist Student Union. They are having a film night, showing Black Hawk Down, followed by a special demonstration of female close quarter combat... I mean, boy, the Somali and Ethiopian chicks are HOT."

Now, do they have exams, office hours and end-of-term evaluations?

Here is an exam question - " Who said this: 'The liberation of Iraq is a crucial advance in the campaign against terror. We've removed an ally of al Qaeda, and cut off a source of terrorist funding. And this much is certain: No terrorist network will gain weapons of mass destruction from the Iraqi regime, because the regime is no more.' Critically evaluate the above statement in the light of what you learned about the US Intelligence Community, extra points will be given to student who can still remember the name of the former US Defense Secretary who messed up the plan to invade Iraq."

During a feedback session: "Your performance in my Introduction to Homemade Fertilizer Truck Bombs was very disappointing, Abdulah. You used the wrong amount of ammonium nitrate and the wrong kind of detonators. However, I, out of sympathy, gave you a C, because you at least know that a bomb needs a detonator, which pulled you from the bottom of the class. Nonetheless, you have let me down, you have let yourself down, but you did manage to blow the school up..."

And here we are, a freshly graduated suicide bomber received his certificate from a Training Camp that uses our style of education. The only problem with the Suicide Bomber Program is that they never seem to be able to build a robust alumni network...

The End - a Yuism Production, Second in the "Imagine the Alternative" Series. All rights reserved and no republication without the author's consent.

Ge Yu

Beware Canadian Aggression

Canada announced plans Monday to increase its Arctic military presence in an effort to assert sovereignty over the Northwest Passage — a potentially oil-rich region the United States claims is international territory.

----------------------------------------------

Canadians are always dreaming up a lotta ways to ruin our lives. The metric system, for the love of God! Celsius! Neil Young!

...and now stealing oil! Perhaps the propaganda machine will start up again.

Like maple syrup, Canada's evil oozes over the United States.

By the way, one of my now-favorite quotations from Canadian Bacon:

Secretary of State: We were thinking, what could be a bigger threat than aliens invading from space?
General Panzer: Ooh boy! Scare the shit out of everyone. Even me, sir!
U.S. President: Jesus, is this the best you could come up with? What about, ya know, international terrorism?
General Panzer: Well, sir, we're not going to re-open missile factories just to fight some creeps running around in exploding rental cars, are we, sir?