Important news you may have missed

A friend of mine is a fancy-pants strategic planning analyst for an eeeeeeeeevil multinational energy corporation. One of her jobs is the daily newsfeed. Here is some important news you may have missed from about a week ago:

Asia Pacific
Russia-AP: Sakhalin II Captured by Pirates
In a second attack in two months, pirates have launched an offensive against Russian major Gazprom, this time taking over the whole of the 1.28 Bcf/d Sakhalin II LNG plant on Sakhalin Island in eastern Siberia. Pirates the world over have declared an international holiday, while simultaneously denying any involvement in the act. "I don't know where Russia is," insisted Lucy "Riptide" Walker of Evil Multinational Energy Company Inc., adding "anyway you can't make grog out of vodka."
Gazprom CEO, ex-President of Russia and philanthropist Vladimir Putin, expressed his concern over the hostile take-over, saying, "In order to secure our contractual obligations and pursue our proud history of on-time deliveries of Russian gas, Gazprom has temporarily annexed a small suburb of Moscow called 'Ukraine,' and we will continue to pursue our standard of excellence." He added that the UK's naval forces have vowed to aid the Russian military fleet in engaging the pirates, "just as soon as they stop laughing and can stand up again."

Japan, Indonesia: Asian Spot Prices Increase… Differently
Startling changes in Asian LNG spot-prices reflect a dramatic revolution in an increasingly costly industry. According to Tokyo-based market analysts, TEPCO has recently inked a 5-year agreement with Pertamina that will see the Japanese firm paying twenty-seven dollars, 400 gallons of reduced-sodium soy sauce, and the first-born children of all contractors involved with any of the company's twenty-three power-plants in the country per MMBtu. "We have reached a new age in the balance of LNG supply and demand," said an official for TEPCO. "Spot prices are only going to get weirder."

Atlantic Basin
Russia-AB: DeathStar Nearing Completion – Gazprom Official
Gazprom greenfield project Death Star is approximately 80% complete, according to Gazprom Deputy CEO Alexander "Darth" Ananenkov. The $8.32 billion project, currently orbiting the forest moon of Endor, is expected fully operational in Q2 2009. Emperor Medvedev himself is personally overseeing the final stages of construction, though he is quick to point out, "Behold the power of this fully armed and operational battle-station." Regulators and advocates for alternative energies have expressed some skepticism over the ambitious nature of the project, however. "That's no moon," said Obi Wan MacGregor, spokesman for The Friends Of Renewable and Continuous Energies (The FORCE) on the sidelines of a conference in Tunisia this week. Opponents to the project are urging Endor elected officials to reject the current planned site of the project for fear of a terrorist attack on the part of Jabba the Hutt, and are pushing for a relocation to Long Island, NY.

US-AB: Catalunya Spirit Sees Change in Use
After several weeks adrift off the shore of Massachusetts, the Catalunya Sprit's crew has given up on the 138,000 cbm LNG tanker's ever arriving at the 0.7 Bcf/d Everett terminal near Boston and have settled on an alternative use for the vessel. "With a name like Catalunya Spirit, it seemed to us that while this vessel was made for the energy industry, shipping was never really her calling," said Captain Nathaniel Ahab. The Teekay-owned vessel has been refashioned as an offshore 70's-themed discothèque where "officials from rival energy companies can relax, have some fun, and talk about Ludacris's latest hit single rather than spot-prices in Asia," Captain Ahab explained. Already one-time bitter competitors are appearing in droves onboard the Funkadelic Seventies Rock Unit (FSRU). "This is a brilliant innovation in our industry," said ExxonMobil CEO Rex Tillerson speaking from a mosh pit, one arm around the shoulders of ex-arch nemesis, Jeroen van der Veer. "It's amazing we didn't think of this sooner."


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